Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
