I need to stop coming to work sober
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
