I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
