also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
