i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
