Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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