new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
