the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
