Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
