I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
