If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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