If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
