I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
