I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
