five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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