I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
