You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
