If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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