shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
