a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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