These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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