I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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