My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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