How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
