its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
