I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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