.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
