I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
