My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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