i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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