So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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