im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
