wanna go halves on a baby?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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