Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
