I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
