She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wish you could order shots online.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
