If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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