Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
