I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
