So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
