I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
just found out that she named her cat after me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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