listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
