Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Randomize
