this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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