when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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