Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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