she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I wish you could order shots online.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
