How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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