I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
