My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
