I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
