I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
