I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
