I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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