Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
